So i'm another year older, and for the first time in my life i actually feel like it. I always wondered why people hated getting older, and now that i'm four years away from the big 30, I am starting to feel it. I feel changes, a sense of moving forward. at the same time, an urgency to find my place in this world.

Its' so easy to see all the things i havn't accomplished yet, but then i remember all the things that God has given me to do right now. Reach out to my brothers, help lead youth group, play guitar with the teens worship band, sing with the young adults worship band, i get to be a part of all these minstries. So what if i have a crappy job, thats beside the point. God has given me work to do, and i need to be grateful, embracing these opportunities with open arms.

At first it seems like it's the end of my life, but then when i meditate on what is before me, i feel excited, and hopeful. Maybe i'm stuck where i am right now, but so much good will come from it, and who knows what's down the line.

"Complacency breeds under my skin-Taking over my very being, making it difficult to breathe in the life that you have given me....I have made these chains for myself. They bind and twist, and squeeze the life out of my soul."

I wrote this in my journal a little less than a year ago. I remember struggling with this idea of comlpacency. I was so settled in what my life had, working at starbucks, going to church, singing on worship team, writing. Sure there were things that i would have liked to do, but I  wasn't rushing after anything. I didn't really "want" anything else. recently this has all come crumbling down.

As soon as i got cozy in my job, the heat came. Everything that made it so awesome, was torn out of it. I ended up leaving the coffee business to work full time at a preschool. This seemed like a great job. I was given the impression that i would be able to move up. I was so excited. I thought, a normal job wow, this is a first. Now that has crumbled and  i am going back to retail. I have never felt more uncertain about my life, never more anxious. I know i must give these things to God. I know it's as simple as praying. I don't know how i came from trusting God completely with my situation, to feeling like i'm hanging on the edge of a cliff. I worry about everything these days, about getting old...(I'm turning 26 in october) I know that in theory that really isn't old...but then i think about all the people that i went to highschool with, who are getting married, and settling into careers. I always fansied the fact that i have never been rooted in one job, that i'm sort of a jack of all trades. But i'm coming to a point in my life, where i crave stability.

Maybe this is the problem, craving stability. Satan is using this crucial time in my life, to bring me down. I know i have made the choices which have led me to the place i am in. I could have gotten a four year degree right out of high school, i could have a stable 9-5 job right now... and its my decisions which have lead me here. Sure i have made a lot mistakes. But i need to accept that this is where i am. That God can use me despite the circumstances.I need to remember that i should not want what other people have. I need to remember, that God has provided for me thus far, and he will keep on doing so as long as i follow him. Perhaps i will toil and sweat the rest of my life. But God wants me to depend on him, not the world.

Today I enjoyed the wide open spaces of a local park. It was beautiful. I will always enjoy feeling the gentleness of the breeze, listening to the rustling of the trees. Watching the sun hide briefly behind passing clouds, and watching it shine once more. Sitting out there makes me feel as if i was miles away from any civilization. I love it.

I like to lay there under the big sky and imagine that I live in a different time, when life was simple.

Sometimes I feel as if i was meant to live in a different time. But then I remember that this world that we live in really isn't what it was supposed to be like.  We were given our chance in the garden, and chose to defile it. So now we must work, and wait, and hope for that day to come, when all will be restored to it's initial purpose.

In the meantime, i will take each spare moment i have to soak up the beauty of creation. God is amazing.