I'm going to be a little sinical.

My life sucks right now. I know this is kind of an outlandish statement, but i can't deny the way i feel at this present time. It seems like my life is going in a never ending circle. I keep getting stuck from one dead end job to the next, i can't pay my bills, and i still live at home. I sometimes feel as if i'm going to end up living at home till i'm 40, at least. I can't take it anymore. I want things to be different. I want to be able to pay my bills, to live on my own. For the first time in my life i feel there is no hope. It is such a nasty feeling ,not having hope. I've always managed to hold on to it, but at this moment, i feel nothing but self pity. I want out.

I know i should think about the blessings, that my mom still allows me to live at home, for free. That I am able to work. That there is a higher purpose to this life than making ends meet. But it's so hard to focus on the higher calling, when my imediate needs are not being met. I suppose it's all my fault. But there has to be, there just has to be some way to pull out, and turn around. To get back on my feet again. I guess all i can do now is pray for Guidance.

Lord Please deliver me from this situation which i have gotten myself in. I know that i have been selfish, but I need  you to make it right. Please Lord, make it right.Help me not to WANT ,but to ACCEPT; and to be a good steward of what I have been BLESSED. Amen.

I wrote a new song yesterday, and I absolutely can't stop loving it. It was one of those rare times where a song just pops out of nowhere and lands your lap. I can't stop singing it. I wish i had the technology to record it and share it with the xanga world, but alas, i don't. Maybe some day I'll be able to record an album, and people all over the world will be able to enjoy my music with me :)

Peace and Love,

Lulu

My youngest brother has aspergers desease. Aspergers is a mild form of Autism. I never realized how much this effects him, until tonight.

Lately he has been incredibly moody, which i think is a mixture of his autism, and puberty(He's turning 15). He has been nasty, and miserable. Tonight, we were watching a movie and he started randomly chucking french fries across the room, in defiance of not getting to watch his cartoons. When we confronted him, he started flipping out, knocking things over in the house. My mom and i were upset at his behavior, and i said something i regret. I said that he was acting retarded. This doesn't seem like that big of a deal, since people use this phrase quite often. But my brother is very sensitive to the word retarded, for good reason.

Of course he heard my comment, and began going into hysterics. All of his feelings began to surface. I never realized how hard it is for him to deal with his autism. Being that he is ten years younger than me, i have trouble not seeing him as the naive baby that i used to change diapers.  He went on a rant of how nobody likes him, and everyone thinks he's retarded, and why didnt my mom just give him away, "I just want to be normal" he told me.

I cried with him. I felt so aweful that he should feel this way, He shouldn't feel this way. I tried to tell him that he wasn't retarded, and that he was just different,  but that everybody's different. I tried to tell him that he is important, that God loves him, that my mom and I both love him. I sat there pleading for him to listen, trying to hold him, trying to help him understand that he is not alone in the world. Then i realized that this must be what God feels like.

No matter what I said to try and comfort my brother, he would not listen. He was so lost in his sorrow that he would not take the hand that reached out to him. How often do we reject God's comfort?

I'm sure that there have been times in my life where I have sulked, felt sorry for myself, been at an all time low. And God was there  whispering in my ear. I love you, I love you, I love you. You are special. You are my child. And i'm sure that i have ignored him, Or was too self obsorbed to accept such comfort.

Sometimes we cry out and cry out for comfort, but are not willing to take it when it is offered to us.

I hope that i can help my brother to deal with his aspergers. I hope that he will one day truely understand how special he is, how loved he is, and that God created him for a purpose.